By Roy Peter Clark
Poynter.org

It was my recent pleasure to work with a journalist named Mila Koumpilova, born in Bulgaria, but now practicing her craft in the United States. Her command of English is flawless, and she knows more about the technical aspects of the language than most native speakers.

In a seminar, we discussed this example of dense writing, shown to me years ago by the great writing coach, Kate Long:

A bill that would exclude tax income from the assessed value of new homes from the state education funding formula could mean a loss of revenue for Chesapeake County schools.

I pointed out that 18 words separate the subject "bill" from the verb "could mean." This, I argued, was the main reason this sentence seemed so dense. But the sharp-eyed Mila noticed something else. She argued that a string of prepositional phrases contributed to the problem. Prepositional phrases, like adverbs and passive verbs, can weaken a sentence. Strung together, they can suck the life out of it.

Notice that the sentence in question has five prepositional phrases. Try reading these aloud. It's almost impossible. Weak subject verb connection, dense language, strings of prepositional phrases -- it's all air and flab. No muscle. No bone.

I'm not sure what a revision would look like, but I'd try to build it without prepositional phrases, something like:

Local schools will receive less money if the state passes a new law.